Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
