i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
