i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
and you fell through a lawn chair
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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