you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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