hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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