i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
