I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
