I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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