I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
