If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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