Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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