He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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