Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
