this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
