There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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