the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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