my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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