I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
