I think my fart just growled at me.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
