Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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