the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
