when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
