get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
