dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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