Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
