Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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