Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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