I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you had me at cake vodka
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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