I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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