I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
