three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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