lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
