; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
