Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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