I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
