i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
