ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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