Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
