i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
