Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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