So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
