I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
