my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
