Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
