Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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