It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
