You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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