Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
