Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
