I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
